Walls
by viper676
Summary: Complete. The hardest thing to do is to put together a puzzle, and not know exactly what the puzzle depicts. Kit reflects on a disintegrating relationship with Nita. KN pairing, rated T for strong language.
1. Chapter 1

_Walls_

_Chapter One_

_I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong  
I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure_

_-Matchbox Twenty_

Raindrops crackled against the glass of the bedroom window, each impact seeming to echo in the eerie silence the midnight hour brought with it.

Kit stared dully out the window at the dreary October blackness, his open manual in front of him on his desk. He watched the patterns of water on the window shift as the rain ran down the glass, leaving a small trail behind it; a veritable network of droplets.

It had been three weeks since he had last talked with her about 'them'. It had seemed so easy at the time… she had been cheerful and content as she sat with him on Tiana Beach, the cold Atlantic waters lapping gently at their feet.

_-flashback-_

"…_what does 'love' mean to you…?"_

_She blinked, then turned her attention back out to the sun as it doused itself in the orange-hued waters._

"_Well," she said slowly, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear. "It can mean different things."_

"_Uhm… well, what d'you think of when that word comes to mind?"_

_She shrugged and laid her head on his shoulder. "I dunno… but going back. What does it mean to me… uh… I guess it means finding someone you can trust, someone who cares for you… someone you know in your heart you can be with forever."_

_He gently put his arm around her and pulled her close to him. "Mmm... and do you think you've found that person yet?"_

_Another blink, and she sat up, pulling her hair back over her shoulders._

_Looking up, he was surprised to see a frown cross her face for a split second, but then she grinned._

"_You'll see in time…"_

_-end flashback-_

_­­_He sighed, rubbing his eyes with one hand. Damn it, where had he gone wrong. All he had tried to do was to make her happy… to feed the fire that was their relationship. Now he wondered if he had smothered it with too much attention.

_-flashback-_

"_So where do you think we're going… as in like… uh… more-than-friend wise."_

_Looking disgusted, she closed the bedroom door on Dairine and her latest boyfriend and turned to face him, her countenance changing to one of discomfort._

"_Um…"_

_He waited, watching as she chewed on a corner of her lower lip, her gray eyes searching the floor for an answer._

"_Neets?"_

_She didn't even look up._

"…_Nita. Neets. You okay?"_

_He was starting to worry. Ever since about a week ago, she wouldn't talk about their relationship. If the topic arose, she would promptly change the subject; if it was impossible to change, she would shut her mouth._

_He hated it. She was putting walls up around herself, and he still didn't know why._

"_Nita?"_

_Her gray eyes flickered from the floor to his face, then to the clock down the hall._

"_Don't you have to be getting home?" she asked._

_Kit blinked, surprised, and felt his heart hit the floor._

"_I guess so…" he said, his gaze fixed on Nita's face, scrutinizing it for answers._

"_So… bye."_

"_But…"_

_She turned and walked into her room, closing the door behind her._

_-end flashback-_

He had sent her an apology note, tried to make mind contact with her, but she kept blocking him She refused to answer the note, shielded her thoughts…

Kit felt something trickling down his cheek, and brusquely wiped it away. He refused to cry, even after she had put him down. It wasn't gonna happen.

Forcing himself to hold back what he had been keeping inside of him for three weeks, he sniffed and turned his radio on. Matchbox Twenty couldn't fail him.

_But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know right now you can't tell  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be...me_

_- flashback-_

_She had grinned and poked him as he belted out the opening lines. "What a lie…"_

_Glaring at her, he made a dive at her, knocking her over backwards from her perch on the footboard of his bed. She squeaked in surprise as he smacked headlong into the headboard, then tumbled off onto the floor, clutching the growing lump on his head and moaning._

_She knelt beside him, striving to hide a grin. "You okay?"_

_He cocked an eye at her. "Does it look like it?"_

_With a laugh, she kissed him solidly on the cheek and stood up. "C'mon, gettup you idiot…"_

_-end flashback-_

He couldn't take it any more. This was killing him… why the hell wouldn't she tell him what was wrong?

"Powers help me…"

Another fat tear trickled down his face and fell with a muffled click onto his desk.

The frigid October rain pattered up against the bedroom window, each impact seeming to echo in the eerie midnight silence…

**A/N: I'm baaaaaack… updates for my other stories are definitely on their way. I'm duly sorry for the wait I put you guys through.**

**And… -Disclaimer- I don't own Matchbox Twenty, nor do I own the YW series. **

**Pity. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

_All night  
Hearing voices telling me  
That I should get some sleep  
Because tomorrow might be good for something  
Hold on  
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a  
Breakdown  
I don't know why  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be  
Me  
-Matchbox Twenty  
_

The clock on the dresser glowed 3:30 AM Thursday morning.

Kit lay on his back in bed, his eyes fixated on his bedroom ceiling, willing himself to go to sleep, but finding it utterly beyond his grasp.

Every time he closed his eyes and tried to shut out all thought, every goddamn time, thoughts of Nita managed to slip past his defenses and mock him.

_God damn it. I hate this. I hate every moment of this. I mean, damn. Was this all a fucking act? Was she leading me on this whole time?_

Kit turned over and glared at the wall, wishing dearly that he could drive his fist through it.

_Does she even have any idea what she's done to my heart? I opened up to her, shared my whole fricking LIFE with her. And then she goes and pulls some shit like this. WHY THE HELL WON'T SHE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?_

Another overwhelming desire to break something into pieces smothered his senses for a while, drowning him in a floodtide of self-pity.

His senses cleared again, and he rolled onto his other side and shifted position.

It had been like this for nearly two weeks now. He couldn't put up with this much longer.

_Why. Why did she shut me out so suddenly? Why won't she talk to me about 'us'? She used to tell me she loved me… she used to understand what I went through, she was the pillar I leaned on when times got rough. And now… why is she pulling it away? Why is she letting me fall?_

Kit rolled over and slammed a fist into his pillow as hard as he could.

_What am I, her fucking guinea pig? Something to test crap out on, and then just leave to die in the rain? God. If she was cheating on me, and if she had told me, I probably wouldn't be this frustrated… at least I'd know what was wrong. Hell, I'd be happy knowing that she's happy. But if she's gonna SHUT ME FUCKING OUT… that just hurts._

Turning over, he found a pen cap wedged between the mattress and the headboard and hurled it at the wall, producing an unsatisfying _click_ as it bounced off.

_I wonder what suicide is like._

Kit paused for a moment, struck by the thought.

_Suicide… taking my own life._

Mulling it over in his mind, he halfheartedly flicked an eraser at the wall.

_Painless would be the way to go. Yeah… maybe overdosing._

He paused again, struck by yet another thought. _Would she even miss me when I'm gone?_

Rolling over again to face the window, he sighed. Suicide was not an option. Too drastic.

_But jeez. I really wish she would tell me what's going on… Is it her dad? Has he finally realized what a goddamn scumbag I am yet? Is it another guy? …god… why won't she just tell me…_

In his mind, he visualized the confrontation between him and Nita.

_The look he gave her was one of utmost loathing as she walked uncertainly up._

"_Hi…"_

"_What do you want..." Flat._

_She shifted uncomfortably. "Um… just wanted to see how you were…doing…"_

_He laughed, a strangled, forced sound. "Me? Oh, yes, I'm doing fine. Fine considering that I gave you my heart, and you took a fricking chainsaw to it. Fine knowing that you're happy with life while I watch you from the shadows, remembering when you once loved me."_

_The last five words he spat out, scornfully, sarcastically._

"_Kit…"_

"_How could I have been so blind. To think, I actually thought you loved me. But you were just goddamn using me. You just wanted to try me out, huh? A test drive. And you crashed, but you let me burn."_

_He noticed the tear that trickled down her cheek, but he was well past caring._

"_Well, you know what, Nita? I can't believe I ever fell for it. I thought you were better than that. I gave you my everything. Funny thing about love. It's a give and take sort of thing. I gave. Everything. You took. Everything. Worked out perfectly, didn't it?"_

_Nita was sobbing now, one gloved hand covering her mouth, red-rimmed eyes avoiding Kit's gaze at all costs._

"_Well, Neets. Looks like it's over. Dead end lights for me. Hit the road, Kit. And don't you come back no more, huh? It'll be easy for you to find another guy. Oh, did I say guy? I meant victim."_

_She buried her face in her gloves, her auburn hair moving gently in the crisp September wind._

"_Goodbye, Nita."_

Kit stared up at the ceiling, overcome with his final words as he watched himself walk away.

_Good god, what the hell is wrong with me…_

He buried his face in his hands and let the tears come.

_I think I'm going insane…_

_--------------------------------------------------_


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

_I still get lost in your eyes  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away  
To a place where I am blinded by the light  
But it's not right...  
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine  
I want you..._

_-Michelle Branch, 'Goodbye to You'_

Kit could have reached out and touched her.

His heart screamed at him to just take her in his arms, and everything would be over with.

She would love him again.

But instead, he watched her take another bite of her sandwich, and, with a laugh and a toss of her head, rejoin her other friends in a heated debate covering Orlando Bloom and which one of them he'd date.

Tears threatened to well up in his eyes as he gazed longingly at her, remembering the feel of his arms around her, hers around him, and her lips on his.

He remembered the way she had whispered 'I love you' in his ear after Prom Night; the content expression she always had in her eyes after he kissed her.

Kit forced himself to blink back the tears. _Why is she acting like this… I'm so sick of it…_

He had given up. Given up everything for her.

A tumult of emotion coursed through his body; a compounded ball of misery, anger, fear, contempt, and self-pity.

…_I can't believe this… I thought I was being a good boyfriend to her. All I ever tried to do was make her happy…_

This was exactly the thing the manual had warned them about.

Why hadn't he listened? Why…

He had turned to Tom and Carl for help. All they could offer was 'Be careful…'

_Yeah, well, screw you too,_ Kit thought bitterly, boring a hole into the wall with his gaze.

_All I ever tried to do…_

_Goddamn this… I want to let go so badly… but I can't. WHY? POWERS THAT BE, WHY CAN'T I FUCKING LET GO?_

A wave of adrenaline swept through him, driven by sheer frustration. He resisted the urge to punch the desk he was sitting on, instead opting to abruptly stand and storm out of the room.

He knew Nita wouldn't notice. She was too busy _having fun_ with her _other_, _better_ friends.

As the bell for sixth period rang, Kit gritted his teeth and, slinging his backpack over one shoulder, stalked off to Economics.

------------------------------

A/N: I apologize for the incredibly short chapters, however, it's all for a good reason. Thanks to all my reviewers… next chapter should be up relatively soon. Nooooo… but I have a Bio project. Promised up by end of this month. Hope to see you all later… please drop a review if you are reading this! They mean a lot to me as a writer.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

_I'd do anything  
Just to hold you in my arms  
To try to make you laugh  
Somehow I can't put you in the past  
I'd do anything   
Just to fall asleep with you  
Will you remember me?  
Cause I know I won't forget you…_

_-Simple Plan_

Four days had passed.

Kit gazed dully at his bedroom wall, lying on his side on his bed. His open photo album lay beside him, most of the photos now lying scattered over the formerly immaculate hardwood floor.

He was really trying to give up.

Eyes closed, he rolled onto his back, recalling better times.

He could still feel her arms around him, comforting him, letting him know that she'd always be there for him. The smell of the Pantene shampoo she always used wafted up to him through his memory, evoking memories of the countless times he had buried his face in her sweet-smelling hair, his arms around her waist, never wanting to let her go.

_What happened between then and now… what could possibly have been so powerful that she just pushed aside everything we had?_

Kit scrubbed fiercely at his eyes again. He wouldn't cry. Not over something like this.

Not now.

Not yet.

Calling a familiar matrix to mind, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he mentally altered the coordinates. Gritting his teeth so hard they began to hurt, he snapped out the single syllable that would activate the matrix.

With a rush of imploding air and a _bang_ that made Carmela's car alarm go off, he vanished.

---------

Nita had just figured out the fingering transition on her flute when Kit literally exploded into the middle of her bedroom floor, the violent outrush of air sending papers, books, and various other objects soaring through the air.

Kit read surprise, anger, and sadness on her face before she turned aside to pick up the disarray, avoiding his gaze the whole time. Her face was set, and her eyes equally devoid of emotion as she rearranged papers and replaced books.

He watched her the whole time, knowing he should probably pitch in, but he held back.

As she finished, she glanced up at Kit for a split second, then picked up her flute and began adjusting her fingering.

Kit sighed.

"Nita… I…"

He paused, making sure he had her attention, then continued.

"I guess… I should be thanking you."

She looked up, surprised at that.

Kit took a breath to say more, but her voice interrupted his.

"No."

He paused, mid breath, as she continued.

"Kit… I'm sorry."

She looked directly into his eyes from her position on the bed, and Kit was knocked backwards as a tidal wave of emotion slammed into his mind like a runaway freight train. He held her gaze for as long as he could, then dropped it as the emotion overcame his conscientious thoughts.

"...you don't need to be," he began, but he was cut off by her once more.

"I'm so sorry…

A long pause.

"I…"

She paused, then fixed her eyes on his.

"…I can't love you back," she whispered, her gray eyes glistening.

His lips still parted, Kit stared at her, disbelief and horror written all across his face.

Nita watched him, saw every last ounce of pain hit him, and closed her eyes, bowing her head.

"I'm sorry."

Kit swallowed hard, heroically struggling not to break down.

"Don't be... you… you did what's best for you. And… and you're happy now."

Nita stared at the floor, her face still closed, taciturn and composed.

A small smile cracked Kit's face. "I still love you, Nita."

"I know you do…"

Kit closed his eyes, watching every moment they had shared together flash before his eyes.

_It's gone…_

"Still friends?" he inquired, his voice shaking with his efforts not to cry.

Nita nodded, still silent.

Without any further words, Kit stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Nita, breathing in her familiar scent for the last time.

She tucked her head into her favorite spot, her lips resting lightly on the base of his neck.

For a moment, everything was right again. Nothing had changed; she loved him with as much passion as he adored her.

Then reality set in again; a dead weight in Kit's heart and stomach.

A single tear made its way down his cheek, gently dropping onto her forehead as she backed away from his embrace.

Kit gazed at her for a while, admiring her and her simple, elegant beauty: perfection in its purest form.

A wry smile crossed his face, then, shaking his head twice and still smiling, he turned to the door.

Nita watched him vanish into the hallway; heard the front door open and shut.

Her countenance immediately vanished as she weakly collapsed onto her bed and, burying her face into her pillow, let the tears come.

---------

Time passes

Things change

Nothing ever stays the same.

But keep hope alive

Even against the odds

And believe in love.

---------

_Fin_


End file.
